30 May 1958

30 May 1958

Truth hurts – it is very painful. One who has built up a structure of false values is hurt badly when truth tumbles his house of cards. If the learning process is not completely atrophied, time heals the hurt and one becomes a little more understanding as one learns to live with truth. One is a better person for it.

The pain of truth can be compared with any physical defect, or infection, that must be ripened and cut open. The pain of a carbuncle ripening must be dreadful. But it opens, time heals, and the person having the carbuncle knows then what the pain of a carbuncle is. He has a larger understanding.

In the physical realm of pain, the pain process is more or less an involuntary process. However, when it comes to false ideals, false values, the process is much more subtle, difficult to sift out, but as painful as physical pain.

One hates to be hurt, either physically or egotistically (mentally). Nevertheless, a gangrene leg must be cut off to save a life. I wonder if jolts of truth are necessary to save a life also. One must exercise care however. Wasted on a hopeless case merely [it] makes the human animal dangerous – I still think Copernicus was wiser than Galileo.

Truth, even when denied, will out. (As Eddy said, “Lies have short legs.”)

  1. S.

With dangerous human animals it pays to be cautious (a la Copernicus). With gentle folks – who are trying to find their way, just as with physical pain, anesthetics make the pain easier. So, with mental anguish – although one has to hurt to cure, the pain should be eased as much as possible, without endangering the cure.

On the other hand, there are those [about whom] one says: “Where there is no sense, there is no feeling.” (pertaining primarily to personality).

20 May 1958

20 May 1958

Called Mary Anderson with 2 questions in mind.

1) Has history maligned Pontius Pilate? – Was he only living up to the letter of the Roman law of the day?

2) How outspoken should one allow oneself to be in one’s speech.

In answer to (1):

She does not take biblical history as unquestioned truth, any more than she takes any other history to be the truth. Truth has many sides, says she. Also, she would have to reread the Bible to recall the exact situation, as recorded historically 300 years after the event. It seemed to her pilot had a choice as to who we can set free and he freed Barabbas. Thus he, being a politician, was submitting to the mob because he wanted to be reelected. (Best source would be to read the biblical passages on the episode.)

In answer to question (2):

One has to be careful when speaking out not to a) insult anybody intentionally and b) also with many people one is talking over their heads, and they do not understand one.

After I talked with her, here are some personal conclusions. (Oh! She also bawled me out for not letting her know I was ill. She lectured me on “tension”. If I didn’t let my mind race a mile a minute like I do, perhaps I would not have had to have this operation – no fee for the advice.)

Mary is right about speaking out to people. I told her I often clarify my thoughts during a discussion.

It is true, just as stated about investments in “The Richest Man in Babylon,” people often do not understand what one is talking about.

For instance, Blanche has told me she likes my company because I understand and am interested in investments. Talking to a moron about what fascinates her, would actually be a hopeless experience, just as in the Babylon story going to a bricklayer about advice on diamonds is a waste of time.

In other words, one needs to gear one’s conversation to the comprehension, or understanding of the end of individual one is conversing with.

Kurt says: “You Preach”!

I begin to see how this is not too good – even when I’m right. Many people are happy in their limited world and I am a disturbing element in a way. I exhort them to stretch their minds frequently. This is as trying to many people as it would be for a husband resting on the davenport, to be nagged by his wife to cut the grass.

As I see it at the moment, I’m easily involved in curiosities, or mental challenges, conversations with people rouse mental process in me very easily. I want to explore these questions – the majority of people don’t!! This I have not generally understood. Frequently I have pushed and shoved people into such conversations in the past. A few people have admired my questioning mind. I imagine some people have said, “Who does she think she is – she thinks she’s so smart!”

Well I’ve been kind of lonely person. I assume people would be interested in the ideas I found fascinating. I guess I wanted it that way, so I could have someone to talk to about what interested me. And my interests are so many, anything, any subject can set me off. Some ideas are very interesting to me. Some are will-of-the-wisp interests.

Okay, so? What can I do?

As much as I regret accepting the facts of life, that my enthusiasms are not commonplace, every day, interests and enthusiasms, I must sift out of conversations those ideas which catch my attention in person to person or group discussions.

Then! I better get me a nice big batch of notebooks. After that, I should sift out real interests, from will-o-the-wisp interests. On a lot of subjects, I talk but I am only theorizing – not well or thoroughly informed about (something like Helen Little, ugh!!).

Then if a subject really interests me I should, as the books or writing indicate, find out all I can about the subject. This is a way I can really pursue an interesting, very highly personal kind of hobby.

It is just possible, if I follow such a course of action, I can channel some of this chaotic jumble of many-sided interests into something worthwhile and get it out of my system, because I’m like that – and who knows, I may become a sort of writer yet, instead of soap-boxing oratory directed willy-nilly at person’s about me who either would rather gossip about the neighbors or talk about their new chintz slipcover, and who would love me dearly if I would just let them chatter, instead of befuddling and irritating them with my, as Noree says, “lofty ideas”.


This way, I’ll do my friends (?) a favor and will also do myself a favor, by organizing my thinking, recognizing my personality habits, and trying to divert myself into a more orderly, happier way of life for myself, too.

I’m glad I called Mary Anderson with these two questions this morning.


The idea that “ignorance of the law is no excuse” is one of the most frustrating notions to me. It assumes people are rational, reasoning, intelligent human beings – and they are most frequently not. Humans are usually, just a mass of irrational impulses, emotionally charged pieces of flesh and bone, filled with bundles of acquired prejudices, false superstitions, silly personalization’s, and petty vanities. Yet, the law expects them to be what they are not.

People sure are a generally funny mess!!! A sloppy sparrow’s nest made up of bits of this and bits of that come, untidily put together.


We are constantly being told about the Wonders of Modern Mechanization – but how often are we told of the wonders of anesthetics, painkillers? See Plain Dealer, May 12, Globetrotters article, front page. How little recognition is given to helpful anesthetics and treatments, pain relieving pills, drugs, new surgical categories and methods (other than for spectacular money raising drive stories – heart operations etc.) in the run-of-the-mill daily operations and wondrous things being done. Also, the dangers of letting body warning signals go.

My three drops of blood saved me from cancer, etc.


Let’s see.

14 May 1958

14 May 1958

This morning I felt faint on the toilet seat. Fear gripped me and I got so damn mad! I reread my 5/5/58 notes again and regardless of Blanche and a bunch of the worst kind of Christian prattling about be Job! Accept your suffering and sorrows, and all that kind of bullshit – I think this kind of “Christian” thinking stinks!! It is one of the worst aspects of Christianity. Mrs. Brack died of it. Mrs. Mahorcic suffers an aching finger of it. Such foolishness!! Such foolishness!! This suffering sweetly.

To hell with that kind of business!!

Christianity was unique in that Christ was a militant person; he threw the money changers out of the temple. He didn’t sit sweetly and patiently while people starved – he – how was it – changed the water to wine – conjured up bread and fish and fed the multitude.

Ben Williams gave me “The People’s Life of Christ” which indicates the militant Christ – not an oily mouth pre-Christ concept of ‘accept your pain and sorrow.’ No sir!! He says: Fight your troubles!! Don’t sit and wait for the ax to fall. I have also read somewhere about a doctor who treated death is an enemy. I believe this was in the “Story of San Michelle”.

Dammit!! If people don’t fight for fairness, if they don’t fight to conquer disease, if they don’t fight hunger and pestilence and injustice – the whole concept of the positive, militant value of the Christ personality goes down the drain!! He might just as well never have existed.

Somehow, I feel too many expedient sons-of-bitches have twisted the essence out of the new concept of philosophical thought brought into the world through the Christ story, so they may pervert the militant aspect of positive thinking and return to the slave ideas preceding the Christ story thinking. Maybe that’s the whole trouble with this world of ours. When the clock is turned back to the suffer and accept idea of the Old Testament humans become putty in the hands of thousands of manipulators who exploit the “keep them dumb and under our thumb” kind of thinking. This sort of thing is so aptly described in “Stranger and Alone” in connection with the negro problem, where the elite negro, in with the white man, strives to keep his own people down because he hates his own kind and wants to be fancier and more important himself.

Now! To try to poop again!!

. . . A few minutes later. . .

So, I pooped, and I was so mad over this fear of pooping. I must have rushed some adrenaline through my system. Instead of being faint again, I was just fighting mad and the adrenaline kept me sharp and alert, instead of faint and ready to collapse on the bathroom floor.

Boy! If anything proves my theory about Christian militancy – this does!! And confirms my notes of 5/5/58 when I say “nature, (the creative force) can be devastating, cruel, ruthless, pain inflicting and destructive” . . . Surcease (from the cruelty and hardness of creation and natural forces) comes only from resting the secrets out of nature. . . battling (the creative force). . . and striving to make genuine pain, agony, suffering, and injustice more bearable on earth. The petty little materialists who are influenced by local fashion a la “The Hidden Persuaders” – those who quibble over silly materialism, . . . people whose only ambition is to live in “Euclid” and not associate with the cruddy slum dwellers of “Cleveland”.

Such silly false values, I have very little patience with . . . One just has to learn to get angry over the right things.

11 May 1958

11 May 1958

5 AM

It’s still dark out but the birds are beginning to twitter. Noree Schmidt and I talked yesterday afternoon.

I did not realize that while talking with her at the time, but something she said evidently stuck with me. It was this statement in an hour and a half’s conversation: “Christianity is the basis of all religions.” She is not very learned, but she is groping. I vaguely said [that] Christianity, opposite to her statement, was not the basis of all religions. On the contrary it was an outgrowth of the religious beliefs up until the time of Christ.

This early morning I cannot fall asleep. The contrariness, the incorrectness of her thinking, evidently has lain in my subconscious mind.

All right, how do I sum to thinking Christianity up when placed in the setting I stated – outgrowth of earlier religions thinking to the time of Christ?

From the two years of reading I did in New York when I was trying to decide whether I was a Christian or not (it suddenly dawned on me at that time Christianity was based on the ideas Christ expressed) I finally decided if I were to be anything, I would be a Christian. Incidentally, after my recent readings on religions of the world from the study guide of the Encyclopedia Britannica Jr. fly because I’m not sure Christianity is the answer. Maybe I believe more in the Confucian views, the Taoist basic philosophy, or even the very practical Jewish philosophy.

Back to my subject: logic teaches “cause” and “effect”.

Again, as I recall my New York searching my decision I might just as well be a Christian came because my reading indicated Christ taught a “positive” philosophy. Many of the former religions (and I would need to check this) seem to suggest a “negative” philosophy. I wish I could recall the exact names of the religions – but, prior to Christianity, the idea was the Brahman (?) thought Nirvana (and I would have to check all this) Accept the fate handed to you. Do not fight for a place under the sun. I remember the Indians (?) The Hindus (?) Who sit and let their limbs atrophy. Those are these religions consider them holy men.

It reminds me of the joke Bill told me the other day, something about what does the priest think about when he observes himself in shorts? The answer is supposed to be “the unemployment situation” – referring to priestly celibacy as an ideal.

But to go on, as I suddenly said to that (why in the hell can’t you just be simple Eleanor?) she made such a fuss over this in the hospital I suspected she was still much of the old Eleanor Pope (from this) who would wipe lipstick on Margie’s stockings and throw napkins into Kurt’s coffee cup when she got bratty and someone crossed her). Christianity, one must remember, had only one uniquely new idea to offer the world. Prior to Christ, people were accustomed to slavery – consider Egypt, the slave-built pyramids etc.

Christ and the present teachings are based on the old Hebrew, adding the thought that slavery and social oppression by the powers that were in Rome, was wrong.

In China there was an irreverence for the individual to. Even in Greece, democracy was only for the privileged apex of the pyramid. The rest of the population had no vote.

In other words, then, and even into the history of our own country and recent history. (Hitler) (Stalin). There is the elite class and the slave class (the Negro . . .). Carryover from early slavery which stems from the cradles of civilization.

Christ developed a new philosophic concept – and practiced it!! It was a new thought in the history of mankind.

Christ was the Karl Marx of the day. He came boldly forth and said: Every individual is important… Out the window went these atrophying limits bunk. His call was this: Come, stand like a man; let no man make a slave of you. You have a divine spark; the creator is interested in all his children. Do not suffer social oppression: rebel!!

Well he was a revolutionist against the law of the day. What could Pontius Pilate do? Christ opposed the laws of Rome. Just as a judge today must give tickets for speeding regardless of the circumstance, Pontius following the orderly procedure of the law of that day and could not let revolutionary ideas stand in the way. He had no time to make a new law to fit the occasion (like prohibition laws which were repealed in our country and Roosevelt making the selling of liquor no longer a crime). He had to pronounce Christ guilty and sentence him to death (consider the Rosenberg trial in our country only recently). Pontius Pilate was just a judge trying to live within the letter of the law of his day. I’m sure his counterpart sits in every court in the world of today in some form or other. So, to summarize, Christ brought forth a new idea: as Galileo, Copernicus, Einstein, etc. brought new concepts to mankind which changed the course of human history. Only in Christ’s case it was a philosophical concept of tremendous magnitude. The individual was divinely created and had value in the eyes of God. Revolutionary!!

It is this concept that has stayed through the ages. It influences politics. It was the forerunner of democracy. Plant a truth in a man’s head – let that man digest it and understand it and lies can never be told him.

How far this idea of the value of the individual has gone! Unfortunately, especially in America, too often the spiritual concept is gone, leaving only the material concept.

Present day democracy is not up until now the talents of the Bible — let every man use the potentials within. It has become if you have a dollar and I have $0.50 you give me $0.25 so we can be equal with fin-tailed cars regardless of talent. It is a new kind of suppression, a new form of would be slavery having nothing to do with using our talents to the best there is in each of us like the “Juggler and the Virgin” story.

9 May 1958

9 May 1958

The needs human services and considerations that are purchased with money, because you have money, can never bring the satisfaction of soul that comes from the impulsive, nonprofit promptings of human kindness. An important or wealthy man may have people do kindly deeds for him, but he may never really be sure whether they are prompted out of plain tribute to him as a person, or reverence for his position or power frequently. Without much position or power, if other humans are thoughtful, kind, and considerate, a man feels more some affection for, a recognition of his own deeds or personality values.

Simple appreciation or thoughtfulness, just because a personality attracts, is the pure ore of the touching, or recognizing of qualities within humans that seem far removed from the ordinary dog eat dog daily self can discern the process of daily existence.

I don’t know exactly what I mean when I say this, because when I understand a thought well, I can give simple examples to clarify my meanings. I am puzzled at this moment how to simply illustrate with words the essence of this thought.


It has something to do with acts you don’t have to do, but you do because of some inner prompting. They are not expected, required, or necessary to make one quite acceptable to society, if you didn’t do them. Something like that, anyway. The expression “beyond the call of duty” comes to mind.

Yes, that’s coming closer. For instance: the very fact that Elizabeth Cardas, who asks ideas be sent to her through the mail, called me personally when I called the Fashion Institute and stated my desire to explain about Lillian Jacobs and why I couldn’t write a letter. Calling me personally was a great consideration of my predicament. Sending me the planter went far down the road, beyond the call of duty.

It is this kind of act, I am talking about in dealing with this morning subject. I think in the Bible there is something about the man who was asked to walk a mile with another man but instead of a mile he walked 2 miles with him.

Hazel of Cleveland College comes back to my mind. Surprising! I never knew her, but at that early impressionable age, I saw her do something extra, beyond the call of duty, for someone else. And it has remained with me through all these years. I don’t even remember the actor service she performed. I never knew her or even talked with her. She must’ve been in one of my classes, because although I remember her name was Hazel, I did not know her well enough to know her last name.

One drops a pebble in the water, and one never knows where some tiny, chance little ripple finds an niche in another’s lifetime. Maybe none of the mass of other ripples stirred up hit any mark. But then again, one little bitty ripple may influence someone for a lifetime.

It is so in nature to. Hundreds of thousands of seeds fall every year. Very few germinate and grow. And, of those few, many sprout meekly and the minute few of the whole lot of seeds ever grow into strong sturdy oak trees.

I’ll have to try and keep this whole thought in mind if I ever get discouraged about values and people.

If I have trouble, some problems about human behavior in the future, I’m going to have to try to find some parallel to the realm of natural phenomena as best my knowledge is of it . . .. Always I’ll have to try to find out my answers not in the human being realm, but in the realm of some natural animal, vegetable, or mineral category – some earthly natural category, laying the strictly human category aside; like a scientist, a biologist, a geologist, and astronomer. . . whatever have you, observes his field of interest. Perhaps in this way, I can find answers to the strictly human riddles, or what seemed to be solely human riddles of human behavior, thus understanding may be better, human causation.

Thread seems to run through these hospital recovery jottings. They stem from my 5/5/58 first writing the night I was so miserable, and Nancy spilled ink over the bedspread, the floor, and her favorite nightgown.

The only word of caution here is to remember that with some people, their lack of knowledge, their poorly developed spiritual values in such, that if too much is done for such a purpose as to help them grow, the opposite effect is obtained, and you do them no good – only harm. This is in the case of a person really classes you as a “soft touch,” a “sucker,” and has no respect for the “beyond the call of duty” bit.

To him you are open hunting season for sap. The more you do for such a person, the less respect he has for you, or your ideas. On such and such a person you only waste your time, I believe, and strengthen his more of objectionable characteristics.

Of course, experience and judgment of a very careful nature is called upon to evaluate situations of this kind.

8 May 1958

8 May 1958

Kurt has just left. The puckered anal ring upon waking had me worried. The bowel movement was tight, finally explosive, with some blood at this late date. I cried with nervous jitters, wondering what was wrong now.

Kurt tried to make me see the situation objectively, saying “Call the doctor if you are worried. Find out whether anything is wrong. Etc.”

All I could do was feel scared and mean toward him until my better judgment begged me to listen to him. The thought of something wrong and the horror of a visit to Dr. Thomas waned a bit after Kurt insisted I take a pain pill and stop worrying about it, telling me to call the doctor’s office later on this morning when the office was open, if I needed additional reassurance. “I don’t know what to tell you” he said.

Poor Kurt. He sure has a time with me. But I told him, “After all this damnable pain, I just can’t face up to anything more going wrong.”

He said, “You’re in for it, and whatever comes, you’ve just got to see it through.”

Very sensible, but I just couldn’t couldn’t be sensible. He gave me a handkerchief and I had a bit of a crying jag.

Oh! Well!!

Now it is 8 AM and I’m sitting here with this trusty old notebook, a bit calmer, but still jittery.

I hope all I did was break open an adhesion in the straining of the bowel movement. I’ll have to call Dr. Thomas’ office later to check out what I am taking and drinking, with him, to make sure of whether I am doing the right thing. I don’t believe he will be at the office until the afternoon, but I’ll call this morning and talk with Mrs. Thomas. If she is alone she may have the time to explain to me, without a rush of patients in the office to care for, whether I’m using the proper home procedure.

Later: 5 PM

Darwin may have a little something with his “survival of the fittest,” but he is not completely right by a long shot!! What he neglects to bring into his theory is chance. When he gives no cognition to chance, he is only potentially right. Why this element of “by accident,” or “by plain luck” or “by plain chance,” his survival theory doesn’t hold much water.

If a hundred men just happened to be where a bomb explodes, one by one going in a line, their orders are to proceed to a certain point. The individual, no matter how well-trained he alone is to survive, does not have his own fate in his hand. He must obey military orders. If he just happens to be over the bomb when it blows up, no amount of survival training under the circumstances will save him. He will be blown to smithereens.

There are just some things one has no control over – man-made, nature made, or creative force made, which cannot escape from. Freak accidents are in this category.

Survival, yes, we try to survive, but these are times when factors which we could not have by any survival technique generally known under certain circumstances which can prevent the occurrence of an event.


Darwin is only partially correct and only under certain limited areas.

7 May 1958

7 May 1958

Yesterday, I met Elizabeth Cardas over the telephone at noon time. It was a bitterly cold rainy day – too cold for my morning sitz bath. Besides, Kurt didn’t have the water hot enough.

I was feeling like a forlorn orphan yesterday morning, rattling around upstairs with the house empty. Ricky [the family dog, a dachshund] relegated to the downstairs.

Eva [Klein] called but wasn’t it unable to talk long. Irene dropped over in the afternoon. That was a lift. But, she, as much as she wanted to stay, I know I had to leave to make supper for her family. She promised a chocolate cake for the kids and Kurt.

Bill came home. He came upstairs to talk with me. After a few minutes the front doorbell rang. Lanky, 15-year-old height of him grumbled, “Now who’s that?” and went down the stairs, his size 12 shoes slowly but noisily thumping his protest. A few minutes later, very quietly, (and he always indicates wonder or surprise when he is quiet and not arguing or bugging me about something lately) walked right into my bedroom with the package from the Evans Florist Shop. I told him to open the package, because I couldn’t. And then, lo and behold, was what I now call my Santa Claus planter from Elizabeth Cardas. This morning the house is again silent, but the sun is shining modestly over my bedroom floor as I write.

In front of me on the table is my Santa Claus planter. I feel fairly good today, after the usual early morning of feeling like a cranky old witch because of my bowel movements.

Kurt came home from traffic court – Mrs. George came over – it’s lunchtime. I’m cold – and no sitz bath this morning!! Oh! Oh!

Later – The afternoon turned out quite miserable. Also the evening. I fell asleep. Forgot to take a pain pill. The anal ring felt all drawn together as though puckered by alum. Pain on both sides in the groin – five watery bowel movements. More pain in the groin.

6 May 1958

6 May 1958

From Readers’ Digest, November 1952: “Blessed are those who can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.”

Elizabeth Bibesco

“How many there are who give and remember forever – and how few there are who take, and remember the taking.”

5 May 1958

5 May 1958

God damn the pain, inflicted on human beings! After this god damn fissure operation, I’m no longer so resigned to “the wonderful balance of nature”. Nature, the creative force, what have you, may have a wonderful balance, but, nature or this life force can be devastating, cruel, ruthless, pain inflicting and destructive. One can be as easily outraged by nature’s cruelty as by man’s cruelty. How and where did men learn hardness of heart and meanness? Not only from other men, but from this creative (?) force; this force that brought man forth into a world man was not equipped to deal with. Man has struggled through the ages trying to find an easier, a less painful way of life. Earthquake, tornado, monsoons have killed off his loved ones and left him destitute. Pain and illness have agonized in. On top of all this, always there are a bunch of holy rollers who have preached to him about the evils of man and the glory of God; told him pain was the will of the trumped-up God they imagined. What a lot of hogwash!!!

Nature, the creative force has a benevolent side – true, but if anyone thinks there is a sweet little old man sitting up in the sky on a pretty little blue cloud hearing their pitiful please – this is difficult to believe. Such cruelty and partiality to mankind comes from no sweet little bearded papa.

Surcease comes only from resting the secrets out of nature, using nature to the best good, observing, watching for creative, natural secrets – battling the battles of hunger, sickness, storm and quake, pain and agony, in order to make man’s lot on earth more bearable.

There have been many times during my life when I wondered whether life on earth was in some queer kind of hell humans were banished to. Then of course there are times when one feels healthy and comfortable, the day is fine, the world seems full of beauty and promise. Then – then one forgets the bad times the sad painful times, and life seems sweet and one forgets the misery, one is glad to be alive, and life seems sweet. So goes it. Storm and sunshine – and it isn’t all man, it’s frequently what we call natural phenomena – God – creative force that makes life topsy-turvy. Then was one has to fight this force, considerate one’s enemy and rest from it a better way of life.

Stormy oceans call for sturdy boats.

Earthquakes for earthquake proof houses.

Pain – for anesthetics.

Illness for cure.

Poverty for economic know-how.

But always calmly, always a hard struggle the fight against nature and one’s fellow man. A harsh cruel national environment natural environment makes harsh men. As much as the harsh home environment. Considering the struggle of existence at times, I’m amazed at the resilience, and strength which often rises in man to meet his difficulties and then knowledges you must try to acquire.


. . . And don’t let any so-and-so try to tell me all men’s troubles are self-made!! ‘T’aint so! Some of them are in some of them aren’t.